Life .

deasdf\

2011-04-12T22:07:00.001+08:00

This will be my last post on this blog as I move on to start anew in a more photography oriented blog that will hopefully, present more mature insights to certain things rather than rants about how bad my life has been.

This blog will stay as a reminder of my past.

Thank you dear blog for being with me throughout life's journey.

Quasi

2011-02-17T21:26:00.001+08:00

I consider myself to be a quasi philosopher. I've recently talked to a quasi theologian who has a huge library of theology books and is of course, many years older than me.

It was nice. Though I see some difference between a philosophy type versus a theology type. And yet the similarities are there...

Interesting.

Works

2011-01-12T20:49:00.002+08:00

We can imagine when we first allow God into our lives.

Imagine if our lives were like our house. We allow God into it.

First we see what we expect, we see him fixing up the drains, the sewerage system and all the things that you thought needed fixing.

And then you suddenly feel pain. You see God knocking down the walls of your house and tearing off the roofs of it.

It seems that things weren't as you thought it would be. You thought that God would come in and fix you a nice little cottage to live in. But indeed, he is building a new palace for him to live in.

-Plagiarized from C.S.Lewis

Give me a song to sing

2010-12-27T15:26:00.001+08:00

I know, I know.

I've left this blog abandoned for awhile.

I'll be active again as soon as I overcome my current obstacles.

Till then it's epic depression

Name above all names

2010-12-12T23:26:00.001+08:00

Fighting the good fight was hard. But it paid off.

Still fighting, but I "leveled up".

Can't wait for Youth Camp

Of mental states and causation...

2010-12-03T22:30:00.002+08:00

The holidays have been gruesome so far.

Nothing productive. (nothing much at least)

Not getting filled with any sort of lasting joy ever since those two events popped up. My train of thoughts had been preoccupied by philosophical ramblings.

When all your friends seem so distant from you and you only have yourself.... gah.

I can't wait for Sayang Camp.

Miss somebody.

2010-12-01T01:22:00.002+08:00

Everyone misses someone from LLC.

Who do I miss?

You don't see him/her for 6 days.

I haven't been seeing her for nearly a month.

While everyone worries about relationships and their "special" one.

I stay at home stuck to the computer spending my time reading philosophical journals, keeping up to date with the latest cosmological models etc.etc.

When daybreak comes.

2010-11-22T15:20:00.001+08:00

Deep thoughts.

Deep down inside.

Fight the good fight.

Forgiveness.

2010-11-19T01:06:00.001+08:00

We start forgiving others when we forgive ourselves.

Ovah the mountains and tha seas.

2010-11-18T00:29:00.000+08:00

IT's over. Finally.

Position.

2010-11-16T00:50:00.002+08:00

I'm not in a position that I put you in.

Now I know how it feels.
Now I know why.

You are not who you used to be. You died months ago.

Wrong.

2010-11-13T15:52:00.003+08:00

A human can go wrong morally two ways.

Take this analogy for example:

A human moral system is like a marching band. If one of the musicians clash with another in terms of music, then the music produced will not be in harmony with each other. And yet if one of the musician has a instrument that is out of tune and plays it, the same effect is made.

Same thing goes for Humans, we either clash with other individuals. Or we clash within ourselves.

Waitwaitwait...

2010-11-08T23:13:00.002+08:00

YOU'RE ANGRY?

OH WOW :O

I suppose that someone like you jumping into circumstances like these while being so ignorant about so many facts would feel angry.

If you're angry, stay angry. You don't even know the consequential events that led up to this.

AND YOU.

You don't know what to do anymore? Well be honest with yourself then, what have you been indeed doing?

Pushing all the blame on me?

Mhm?

What else?

How can one assume that she has done everything to resolve a conflict when all one does is push the blame on somebody else?

Have you ever tried, TRIED, to even understand what I'm feeling?
Have you ever realized that, maybe... YOU DID WRONG. And maybe realize that life isn't a fairytale and you cannot phase back in time and undo your wrongs.

:O What's that? Your sad to find out that you can't "undo" your mistakes? Well grow up and live with it. We've all made mistakes that we couldn't undo.

Guess what the rest of the world has been doing in that situation...

THEY APOLOGIZE and LEARN from what they did WRONG. Instead of doing it over and over again ....

Holding your hand

2010-11-03T22:04:00.002+08:00

The knowledge of your own ignorance is the beginning of knowledge.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.

When a thousand fall beside you in battle, will you run away?

Would you dare to believe?

2010-11-01T23:03:00.002+08:00

Men are self-serving and self-satisfying beings.

We only think about ourselves, we do not care about the pain that our friends are going through while we indulge in happiness.

We do not care if we step people to achieve our point of happiness, even if they were once our best friends.

We are helpful people... So long as there's something in it for us.

And yet, almost as if it was in our nature, or almost as if it was in our blood to be self-serving and arrogant. Why then do we look so highly upon those who show signs of altruism? Why is it that when a man sacrifices everything for his friends knowing that he has everything to lose and nothing to gain, we admire him?

If it is our nature to eat, wouldn't we admire food and not starvation?

And yet, if it is our nature to be proud, why is it that we look highly upon the humble?

My best friends might have failed me, but does this equate to me seeking revenge?

Someone once said that when Jesus said that "If someone slaps you on the left cheek, let him slap you on the right", it was illogical and immoral. Why on earth would you let and evil person do whatever they want to you?

But taking things into context, did he really mean this? Or was he saying "Do not repay evil with evil?"

Am I repaying evil with evil? Am I fighting against the one thing that I despise the most with that one thing that I despise the most? Am I fighting fire with fire, trading tooth for tooth?

But on the other hand... Can I really forgive?

A new life.

2010-10-31T00:46:00.003+08:00

It's time for change.

Big black boots.

2010-10-30T18:52:00.000+08:00

I feel as if all the happiness has been drained from me.

Duralumin.

2010-10-30T02:01:00.001+08:00

A new road.

I'll fight by myself.

Why pure science is hard.

2010-10-28T22:49:00.002+08:00

This will be a blog post on why the rumours that being in the Pure science stream is tough.

At first glance, I thought it would be simple for me, since I always loved science since I was a mere child (As I grew, I had more respect for philosophy though. But science came from philosophy so...).

But after going through 90% of my final year exams, I think there's a couple of reasons why being in the Pure Science stream is tough.

Firstly, when I say that it's tough, I'm not saying that you shouldn't come in, I don't even regret coming here. What I'm saying is that it isn't Form 3 anymore.

I don't have much time so I won't talk about the studying process and the horrible system and all that.

I'll only talk about the exams.

Firstly, it's two weeks of exams. Every paper counts, it's no longer multiple choice, but all essays here and there. Even someone who frequently uses the English language like me has problems with the essays in science. Why? Because Reference books writers don't have the most english literate Authors out there. Hence why my own language skills are slowly deteriorating.

Now the thing about the three sciences is that they might look simple at first glance, but when you reach the end year exam, you'll realize that your old study techniques are not enough, at that comprehension will take too long. You'll eventually have to use memory work combined with your comprehension skills to score well. The worse part is that ONE mistake in your paper 2 and you can lose up to 10-20 marks.

So, stress. I'm not one who stresses alot before exams, but for this term, I definitely did.

Until the point where I fell ill.

Another thing is that usually in Form 3 and below, we used to have plenty of time for our papers, we were able to sleep afterwards and all..

But when it comes to all the sciences... Believe me, your hand wouldn't stop writing until there's around 10-20 minutes left. And in that little time you have left you'll have to use it for checking for careless errors.

I had a flu and was unable to have a good rest yesterday night. I went through the toughest science paper for the finals... The one science subject that I barely studied.

It turned out great.

His love.

2010-10-26T17:01:00.001+08:00

Exam stress is getting to me.....

Body breaking down...

GG....

"I" cannot forgive. and "I" know that.

"I" think, therefore "I" am.

"I" was broken into pieces by people that "I" thought "I" could forgive.

"I" just can't.

But it's not longer "I" who lives, but Christ who lives in me.

"I" think, therefore "I" am. - Rene Descartes.

You figure out this philosophical statements of mine and what it means...

You're a genius.

That girl's a genius.

2010-10-24T16:46:00.001+08:00

Oh man....

asdfasd.

2010-10-20T21:41:00.001+08:00

I am pathetic.

Also...

2010-10-19T22:48:00.002+08:00

Note that the type of literature that I read are usually the ones written with rhetorical tones in it.

Therefore that is my greatest influences in my writing. Add that with my Manglish...

I might lose my distinction for English...

Hey that rhymes.

y=mx+c

2010-10-19T22:41:00.001+08:00

BM was bad.
BI was quite bad.

The languages are gone.

This is where the fun begins.

Gl hf all!

Aristotle.

2010-10-15T23:50:00.002+08:00

The walk, is definitely, getting, really tiring.

It's like you're struggling to keep up with the greatest thinkers of our time when they TRY to speak to the laymen with their arguments. And then you have two intellectual giants shooting fireballs at each other, and you, have to decide which fireball is more powerful.

It get's tiring when you realize that when you only have a mere IQ of 113, like what most people have (But then again I didn't specify my age in the test, and I rushed a few questions due to someone urging me to play SC), and you try understanding all the polemics. I have my own studies to keep up to too. But God told me to love him with all his mind, and trust me, for a person like me. It's not easy.

The thing is, it get's even harder when everyone starts crashing down on you.

When you build so many walls because of all the betrayal and all the distrust you see in people due to your influence by analytic philosophy. When you only trust ONE...ONE person with everything.

When people start annoying you to the extent that you say "Why am I even here with these people?"

I've better get things straight and be patient.

It's not me it's you.

2010-10-14T16:05:00.000+08:00

Lets get the story straight
You were a poison
You flooded through my veins
You left me broken
You tried to make me think
That the blame was all on me
With the pain you put me through
And now I know that its not me its you.

This is a song by Skillet btw. Though the lyrics...

Woops.

2010-10-13T21:02:00.003+08:00

To be honest, I nearly deconverted a few days ago.

I'll only blog about it in my Private blog. But God is awesome and he pwned my pride that thought that I knew it all...

Anyway I'm still abit...shaken.

That's why Nigel, I've been so quiet in class lately.

That's why I stopped talking to many people in general for awhile.

Except her.

You know, everytime someone special comes into my life, I always thought that they were placed as "training" or maybe as someone that would accept me for who I was. But this time, the purpose of her being placed in my life was just... wow.

The near-perfect person at the near perfect time.

No reason to smile.

2010-10-12T21:40:00.001+08:00

I can't hold on much longer.

Sadness.

2010-10-12T19:07:00.002+08:00

You know when you're sad. The last thing that you would expect from someone would be someone telling you that they have "good news" for you. It gives you false hopes and false dreams and then.... They tell you that it's all just a joke.

Sometimes when you don't want to be lied to and yet you end up being lied to and get freaking hurt by the truth.

Paradox I say...Paradox.

It's not that simple.

2010-10-12T17:55:00.002+08:00

You think...

You think that things will end up with things going your way according to your plans with minor hiccups. Well you're in for a surprise.

You don't know the complexity of the current scenario and you don't know how you could be changed for the better.

You do not yet know what it means to be that person. When you do, you'll know why even I'll be glad for you.

Relationships.

2010-10-12T00:07:00.002+08:00

So I've been busy lately. Not with my academical studies. But with other forms of gaining knowledge.

Though I think I'm about to be lifted of the burden now and I can finally focus more on my academic studies and some other things.

Now about the title...

I'm planning on writing an essay about collected information about the various views on relationships. Now this might sound just downright random, but after hearing so many different views and opinions on this one, I think that maybe I should do a compare and contrast...

Live like we're dying...

2010-10-08T17:10:00.003+08:00

When you're sad and you talked to the person who caused the sadness. It hurts you even more to know that the person doesn't even know...

She was the reason why I'm still standing. She was the rest I needed. She was God's way of saying :"You're tired, and I will give you strength." She was the reason why I could take time to breathe amidst the chaos. She was the reason why I was able to move on.

The chaos is back, my break is over. But in the pain, in the suffering. I will praise his name.

Munch

2010-10-07T18:58:00.001+08:00

nomnomnomnomnomnonmomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnonomnomnomnomnomnomnomn

Ngek.

Making weird noises for the sake of boredom is fun.

Belieber.

2010-10-06T12:37:00.001+08:00

My phone bill sky rocketed to RM120...

103 calls made, giving me a total of Rm27.94 on calls.

SMS-es?

Digi to Digi, 1086 text messages, RM54.30.
Local, Digi to others, 238 SMS's Rm35.70.

GG

Pew pew pew.

2010-10-06T00:10:00.001+08:00

My feelings betray me...

Ngek.

2010-10-05T14:58:00.000+08:00

Oooomph.

Lose all their guilty stains.

2010-10-05T01:23:00.002+08:00

Thank you God. For proving to me once again that you are with me regardless of how serious the situation is.

Thank you Harvey, for once again destroying my doubts with your intellectual vigor.

Thank you Christine, for helping one way or another.

I managed to study 4 Chapters of Bio today. Before THAT happened.

I'm so behind schedule. I'm only 20% done with the Camp promo which I'm not even sure that I should do.

AND... I've been regretting not talking to her that day. Gosh she's just so sweet.

Gah what am I saying.

There is a fountain.

2010-10-04T16:32:00.001+08:00

I'd better stand and deliver.

He will come and save you.

2010-10-03T23:06:00.003+08:00

Do you know, when someone calls you annoying because you brought yourself down to their level because you don't want them to feel left out or something, it's really really ironic?

As they say "Don't argue with idiots, they will drag you down to your level and beat you by experience."

I guess you could always switch the word "idiot" with something else.

Anyway I think I'm done ranting about these few people, because it's honestly a waste of time. It reminds me when I had to team up with atheists and agnostics and muslims alike to debate this.... I don't know what to call him in the All about religion forum in the LYN.

You argue with him with logic and reason he keeps thinking that he's right and we're all wrong when everyone agrees that he doesn't make sense.

Arguing is something quite simple actually. Someone tells you his/her points, justifies it. In your defense, you have to refute every single argument and make your own counter-arguments.

For example. In the case of THAT person...

1. You're being really LoA by making really loud yet arrogant comments on what people has to say about things. You won't stop using that really annoying tone to complain about how everyone seems to be annoying to you and you're not. And not just that, you blame them for being loa but what about you?

I mean honestly, for your age it's understandable. But when you get overconfident and start thinking that you posses some superior intellect compared to your friends, then that's where you breached the tolerance line. When you start claiming that you can do SO MANY things which you probably can't.... Gosh you know how annoying that is?

e.g. I CAN study and get straight A's for my SPM, all A+'s. All I have to do is study real hard. But I don't proclaim that to everyone, why? Because I know that I'm bound to be distracted and I'm really lazy. Furthermore, while it's possible, I don't think being so overconfident by proclaiming these things to my friends will make things any better.

Everyone can dream, but what's the difference if you don't even do anything to chase the dream?

Stop calling the kettle black when you're the pot yourself.

These are some examples, and in an argument, the person this was directed to will have to refute the following points.

If they cannot refute, then you might as well just give up and admit that maybe yeah, you've been practicing double standards.

This thing is when you cannot refute my claims, you go on and on about how I'm in the wrong without any form of justification at all.

And this happened to me like 3 times all by girls?

In Rachel's case, I was wrong for throwing my temper that night, and it made me really angry at myself, I even teared. Even though I still thought she was wrong in what she did, I still apologized because my acts were wrong no matter what.

I won't justify me throwing my temper because I can't. I admit, my fault.

And yeah they apologized for their fault and I apologize for my faults.

If someone condemns me for throwing my temper I'd gladly say that it was my fault and in fact I did. Even to Nigel. I won't say "Wth she dam annoying it's her fault that I explode". Because no matter what it was my fault.

Get what I'm saying? Eventually you'll have to learn how to reflect on yourself if not you'll be a bad person. And yeah I know that my pride is "kembang-ing". And certain aspects of my life is getting bad. But I will not doubt myself and say that I am forever in the wrong in every circumstances because justice is there for a reason.

That's one side of the story.

When I asked someone like Christine, what she would do. You wanna know her answer?

Asked what she would do if she was treated with injustice, she said "I'll just keep quiet."

Now that's something that I find really really hard to do, being a gung-ho "I fight until I die" type of person.

But as a Taekwondo senior once told me "It's better to walk out of a fight knowing that you'd win"

And Jesus saying that we ought to turn the other cheek. Though he also did talk about defending one self, given that he told his disciples to get daggers and swords. But I think defending yourself and repaying evil with evil is something that I ought to think about.

But see it's something really hard to do. Talk about having the power to crush your opponents but just walking out of a fight like this. Knowing that you'd win....

The worse part is when they think that you're a coward and that THEY won the fight.

I know someone would say "But God sees your heart". We know that. But being humans, there's this sense of vengeance in us, this sense of wanting to look down on our enemies.

But pride is a dangerous thing....

It's time to pray and reflect.

Maybe it's true that I always want to win an argument. When I'm wrong I'm wrong. But am I really treating life as a big debate all the time? Am I afraid to give and take? Am I afraid to walk out of a fight knowing that I'd win but walking out knowing that it's not worth the damage?

I might've found the right person. But am I the right person?

I don't understand...

2010-10-03T20:39:00.002+08:00

Why can't some people learn how to reason and judge themselves first before shouting at someone else as start pointing fingers?

Why can't some people learn that it's not only about their sensitive spots but others?

Why can't people think about settling without an explosion?

Why can't people learn how to negotiate instead of whining like a baby to get their ways?

Why can't I learn how to turn the other cheek and just "keep quiet" as Christine said, even in the light of injustice?

How not to irritate someone.

2010-10-03T00:27:00.003+08:00

I've been watching listening/looking at certain public conversations between some younger(juniors) people from school and I can't help but to say...

What's wrong with these people?

I don't mind the hyper hyper ones. I don't mind the innocently cute but naive ones.

But when you stumble upon someone who's being really arrogant and ignorant (Two very bad compositions of personalities...)...

They talk as if they know the world so well and they claim to have a superior intellect compared to the others when they speak in such a foolish manner.

I mean here you have someone who cannot excel in any form of his/her studies and then you see them bragging about how well they know certain hobbies such as music, arts, photography and so on...

And as someone in the photography department, being more or less a mere beginner. I am offended by the way some of them speak of this hobby.

They claim to take good pictures, they claim that "you don't need a DSLR to be good because my point and shoot pwns your pictures" and so forth.

But they don't even know the differences between a PnS camera and a DSLR to begin with. And yes it matters.

They don't know that it's freaking hard to get a good picture without good equipment(unless of course you're judging yourself without uploading ANY of your work)

They don't know nuts about how important light is in the hobby...

As I said, I'm a mere beginner and I have so much more to learn. But it offends me that someone could make the hobby into something so simplistic and claim that it's an easy hobby.

And when I say superior intellect, I mean that they talk with a tone toward people their age that imply something like this :"Hey, I'm smarter than you and I know more than you. I am bloody intelligent and therefore you aren't worth my time. I hang out with older people so I don't need you."

I mean sure every kid in secondary school would want senior friends for a sense of "security" somehow. We've all been through that. Don't deny it...

But you don't go claiming superiority amongst your friends and start thinking that your mentality reaches to ours.

Because it doesn't.

Another thing would be how someone "forgives" you just for the sake of making peace or something when he/she still thinks that what you did was wrong.

Well then there we have space for some reasoning don't we?

The trouble is, and even in the biggest debate of all amongst scientists,philosophers and laypersons...

People still never want to admit defeat.

When presented a good refutation to their arguments they run away and yet they claim victory.
Lack of intellectual honesty much?

And no I'm not asserting that I'm smart or whatever. In fact I do think that I am quite ignorant when it comes to understanding certain things.

But like a humble best friend of mine once told me when it came to Dota :" I'm not pro. You're just noob"

So.... "I'm not smart. You're just dumb"

:D

...

2010-10-02T21:22:00.003+08:00

Walau wth.

I really really really hate people who get so dulan in public over certain issues. If you're not happy with something you would tell that someone privately if something he/she is doing is annoying you because some of your sensitive issues are unknown to so many people.

Like what the hell? Seriously. I get pissed also I don't shout at people.

Worse I do is to zhat them to make them shut up in their embarrassment or something.

The thing is that you don't just go exploding on people thinking that they're supposed to know that something small in general is offending you so badly until you can't even TRY to control your anger or what not.

Maybe I should just stop trying to talk to you all because of my different personality. Like many others did.

Seriously what the hell...

And you. You always complaint about certain people with that annoying tone of yours loudly, and even though I don't know you, it's so freaking annoying. And that's hypocrisy. You complaint about others behind their backs without knowing that people are doing the same to you. So please. Grow up. Or else I promise, I will make you regret. I'm not like the people I'm close to, that is I don't "zhat" people jokingly. I "zhat" you, I do it with no remorse. I don't care if you cry or not.

You all wanna play sensitive and easily angered fast, then two can play that game. I will not forgive any little thing you say that offends me (which you do quite often).

Healer.

2010-09-29T13:31:00.002+08:00

-Got a light scolding from En Zol for not writing my class on my overdue Segak book. Thank goodness he didn't scold me for being late.

-Pn Chew came in as a sub for one period and taught us abit of Physics that Aliah could never match up to.

-What someone did to me yesterday ruined my whole plan of "Magically disappearing". The closer you are with something the harder it is to let it go.

The plan was running well until....

-God is good. And I will fight until I bleed my last (Metaphorically speaking of course).

-Have you ever had the feeling that you won't be seeing someone until you possibility see each other in heaven again?

WHY LA?!

2010-09-28T17:30:00.000+08:00

Why Melanie why ?! -.-

Now I'm doomed.

Three options.

2010-09-27T22:33:00.002+08:00

Dear you, you have three options, and there really isn't much thinking for you to do since I've spent days explaining myself to you.

1)Shut up and keep everything to yourself. No conflicts, just live life. If you do so, I'll gladly follow up, and I'll gladly lose all my respect for you.
2)Accept what I have to say and apologize and hope that things will get settled soon enough.
3)Reject what I have to say and justify your actions and claims AND refute all my arguments, and I will gladly follow through the discussion based on logic and reason, not on emotion.

Honestly it really wouldn't affect me that much anymore, because you really aren't the same person that I used to call my best friend.

I don't care what other people have to say, because I'm the only one in the position to be offended by your actions. And that's not all, you offend me nevermind, but when you claim that you didn't...

And when you play double-standards...

And seriously, cut it out with the straw men arguments. Stop attacking arguments that I myself did not even make.

Stop trying to defend yourself by attacking me without any form of justification or what not. You think speaking with an emo tone will help you? NO.

I am fed up. You hear me? FED UP.

I know he's probably telling you things like to ignore what I have to say and that I'm lying, go ahead and listen.

I really lost my respect for him with what he has to say.

Last year at around the same date he did this to another one of his "friends".

He's doing it again only with more ignorance.

But I won't blame you for just listening to every darn thing that he has to say like a puppet listening to his puppeteer.

I can be angered by the injustice but I can't do anything about it, so why bother?

But don't go blaming anyone, ANYONE at all when things turn out bad. Because ultimately it's going to be your fault. Not your friends, not your family, not God.

First.

2010-09-26T21:23:00.002+08:00

Maybe I'm still not over the fact that you've became someone like this.

Maybe I'm still shocked.

It's just that maybe I didn't word out my arguments well enough until you kept getting the same message.

I don't get it. I don't get how you could get that sorta conclusion so fast.

I know. I know. The whole world is gonna stand by your side without knowing the whole story just by you putting on an innocent smile and telling everyone YOUR side of the tale. And sure enough they'd be obliged to believe you instead of me.

I wanna talk to Phei Fern...
Or Christine.

Or Melvin.

But they're all not free.

Dang.

Axel.

2010-09-26T19:22:00.002+08:00

If that's the conclusion that you'll be getting from what I had to say.

Then fine.

If you truly truly truly cared. Would you have done what you did?

I don't care about him anymore. He's on my ignore list until he wakes up.

But I guess, if that's the way that you want to go. Go ahead.

No I'm not doing this because I still like you. I don't. I've seen and felt what it really meant to be falling for someone for her heart.

Come now, let us reason.

2010-09-26T18:34:00.002+08:00

The most annoying fallacy of all :

x : I think what you're doing is wrong. You're being two faced, just examine yourself. The way you're treating SOME individuals compared to how you said you were going to treat them... Not to mention you're being the very one thing that you despised in your own best friend.
y : No I'm not wrong. I am right you are wrong. You are not in a position to judge me. Don't compare me to them, it's different.

Y commits a fallacy here by failing to explain why she isn't wrong. X has the right to voice out his/her opinion because of personal experiences and from his/her own perspectives.

Y is being arrogant because he/she quickly denies all accusations without properly listing out any reasons why he/she can do so. He/she quickly shifts the blame to X, even though X has properly justified his/her terms of the argument.

The moon represents my heart.

2010-09-25T20:53:00.003+08:00

Watch the above video if you are Chinese literate.

I don't claim to be able to translate it fully, but it means alot to a student, or student these days.

The lyrics talks about how we all want to be successful, how we all want to get "100" for everything, how somethings can't be attained easily through that "easy" door that everyone seems to be using. And how it's not that we "can or cannot", but whether you want or you don't want. We are all capable. That's the title of the song.

This song was made familiar to me YEARS ago when I was still a primary school kid. It was from Jack Neo's legendary film called "I not stupid". If I could find the DvD or BluRay for the movie I would buy it..

Now think about it. We all, in all honesty, would want to go through "that door". In which everything was so simple, whereby every blessing came to us so easily. But without pain and suffering, how would we know what is a blessing if everything was just a "blessing"? Do you understand this? If everything was all happy-go-lucky, how can you appreciate these things when you've never seen pain or suffering? I think, our purpose in life is not to be God's pet whereby we get treated in the most comforting way possible. I think to be human is to make mistakes, and learn from them, persevering through the hardships to get to our goals and learn how to appreciate it. Take the kid in Africa story for example, the one that our parents always use when we don't finish our food. He never gets any food, and when he sees this bowl of rice he embraces it and appreciates it. He gives thanks for it. But for us, we just take everything for granted. Same analogy can be applied to suffering and joy. We take our happiness for granted, we take it all for granted. When some depressed person gets what you have everyday...

Another part of the song speaks about how we would all wish to get "100" for everything, and not just for our academic results. We would all want to be the best sportsman, best musician, best friend, best boy/girlfriend etc.etc. But the song brings us to reality. It's a desire that we all have and it's something we all want, it's not a question of whether you can or cannot, it's a question of whether you want or don't want. Now I'm not using "best" into the context of number 1, but I'm using it in the context of getting "100" marks. Because many people can get a hundred marks but only one person can be number 1.

Recently, I've been going through quite abit. It's a roller coaster of emotions. Mostly downs. But sometimes when I observe(forgive me if I sound condescending though), when I get the same troubles as someone who has been "happy" all their lives. I know how to handle it, when the other person just suffers. I guess it's also why I'm amazed at how some issues that bother me so much don't seem to bother others; because they've been through more.

If you're wondering about the title, it's a song sang by the late Teresa Tang. I've been listening to the instrumental by Kenny G.

If you're asking whether I'm in love? Not so. I've definitely fell "out" of it one way or another via hard means. And it ain't something easy to do given the circumstances. But yeah, there IS someone else in mind. Something small.

I've never been so disappointed in someone before though, but I guess that's life too.

Build more walls.

2010-09-25T00:29:00.000+08:00

Build more walls.

More...
More.....

I disagree that building walls around you is something generally negative. I think it's a necessary protocol for certain people to perform when they realize that things affect them too easily.

Liberation day.

2010-09-23T22:08:00.003+08:00

My relationship with my mother is....

I just can't talk to her anymore. I don't even see arguing with her as something wise to do because all her arguments are just misrepresenting something I said or she's just trying to act victimized.

Be strong.

2010-09-22T22:46:00.000+08:00

Have you no eyes to see?

Sing to those who are broken hearted.

2010-09-22T13:33:00.002+08:00

So.... Guitar? Trying to mess around with my dynamics and volume in a song...
I realize that my strumming is choppy even though there is no chord change going on... Or maybe it's just my phone recorder acting up.

Photography? My speedlite isn't working so I can't come up with an album until it is fixed. Because one you have a flash, you'll realize that it changes everything.

Bass? Well other than playing half-riffs of a few songs and the G maj scale...nothing else.

Are you okay? No. But it's not affecting me until I'm sad throughout the day. I just don't plan to talk to a few people.

Oh, how he loves.

2010-09-17T15:47:00.002+08:00

I lack discipline.

My sadness has turned into half-happiness, and half-anger.

But I really don't know whether it's better to be pissed rather than be sad.

Hmmm...

It's just that now I really feel like punching something or someone.

I also feel like speaking some facts that will rip someone's heart out.

Gosh I've gotta control this anger.

screw you

2010-09-16T18:36:00.000+08:00

Never gonna listen to you again.

idiot.

Vampires.

2010-09-13T19:08:00.002+08:00

Today was what I would call "miserable joy".

Let me begin with yesterday.

It was Alex's farewell and yet I couldn't sleep properly a day before. Hence being lazy/sleepy when I was supposed to go to church. Then I ended up going to his house for the farewell, having a swim (forgot to bring a towel), then eating dinner. Then we all went to INC, joined by Zi Jiet, Dan Ong, Zhe Xian and his friend.

We probably spent around 3 hours there playing TF2, and I've got to say, if you're looking for a game that will strengthen bonds between friends, it would be TF2.

I said my goodbye's to Alex (Will miss him), and walked home at midnight.

That's not where it stops. I used the computer awhile to talk to Dan Jo and wrote my first "essay" on Human Relationships in my private blog. Then I tried going to sleep. Which I failed at.

I ended up having to sleep for 2 hours. Then waking up at 5 am, using the computer, then going back to sleep.

Guess what time I woke up? 12 20pm. I was supposed to meet them at 11.

I woke up with 16 missed calls from Phei Fern.

I rushed to TC Mall and met them at Nando's. I couldn't even eat a proper lunch. So sorry guys. To make it up for them, I decided to pay for the ticket's for vampires suck.

I ended up enjoying myself in the end. I'm so lucky to have friends who didn't go all "omg Declan you suck" (At least not infront of me:P) on me.

But yeah, we played alot of Daytona and watched Vampires suck. Which sucked. Haha.

Then I went back.

So in conclusion. Today was sad, yet happy.

Yes I came back and read some other shit that definitely spoilt the mood.

Photon Canons

2010-09-12T15:55:00.001+08:00

Urgh...

Misery.

stranger than.

2010-09-10T23:39:00.003+08:00

Rachel's cell had a party today.

Phei Fern and Danush came with her too.

We all ate and had worship. Then played some games.

Then me, Jeff, PF, Rachel, Danush and Lydia talked outside.

The games were okay except for the fact there were a few annoying people there. I was surprised that Lydia didn't blow.

We talked about alot of stuff, ranging from roller coasters to taekwondo to scandals to certain people.

I came back and looked into the miror. I was pale. Like very.

I sing for joy at the work of your hands.

2010-09-10T15:47:00.003+08:00

Today the old BOD's of the CF of SMK Taman SEA organized a meeting with the new BOD's to pass down the "torch" and important information.

After a long speech by Yew Leung, everyone split into their posts to discuss. Sadly Brenda or William weren't there and my flashgun died on me.

);

So right now I'm practicing my G major scale, and after knowing how to put it into use, I realize why it's so important to practice it lol.

The way.

2010-09-09T15:03:00.003+08:00

Lead me home.

Waking up feeling already very dry. I waited for Danush's arrival then went to walk Di Wern and Phei Fern to footy.

The guy was kind enough to allow me to move forward my reservation to 11 30 because everyone except us were late. Then Kevin, Rachel and Jason came. We started playing.

To sum it all up we had fun lah, but I conceded so many goals, even the girls scored past me ):

And yeah I got tired really quick, didn't score even with so many opportunities. Scored a few only, but anyways it was meant for fun.

Then we ate at Ming Tien and played 5-10 and whoever lost had to reveal a truth. Danush kena-ed, and they FORCED me to ask him a very personal question, so I asked lor...

Danush wasn't offended but someone else was.
My bad. Sorry.

Walked back with a heavy heart, after everyone went to their respective homes, I was dragging my feet back home, wishing that a truck would hit me or something. But when I came home, I got the e-mail. And yeah I misinterpreted some things. Thanks again Harvey.

I feel better. But I still feel bad.

Though my heart and flesh might fail.

2010-09-08T22:40:00.003+08:00

When your world comes crashing down on you.

When you wonder whether or not there is such a thing as hope.

When you question your own existence.

When you are nothing but a thinking robot, when your emotions have been stripped away and destroyed by people you used to call "dear".

And when your thoughts betray you. When it betrays everything that you've stood for.

When the only solution is to end your life.

And yet....

I believe there is hope.

The red sun rises.

2010-09-08T19:49:00.000+08:00

Today, the red sun rose on me.

The pain came and go.

But the doubts remain.

My mind is gonna blow.

Screw this.

2010-09-07T20:44:00.004+08:00

POST DELETED.

Shaking.

2010-09-07T16:52:00.002+08:00

So Joshua came along with this Form 1 dude that sounded a lot like Weng Soon (Very intelligent too), he picked me up from Esso and he drove us to KL and we (I) had the most delicious beef noodles that I've ever tasted.

Then we went to what Joshua called as the "oldest guitar shop" alive. And it sure wasn't what I was expecting - It's basically a chinatown like shop that is so cramped because of the guitars hanging everywhere.

The bass that I'm getting is a SX(Quite cheap but good reviews) bass. Since Joshua is a dealer that shares info with the Tech there, he said that he could get a discount. But the tech's on a leave, and Joshua wanted to buy a set of strings for a friend of his, but the tech's brother refused to give him a discount, Joshua stormed out of the shop.

Since he was a dealer and someone who often visits....

Then he fetched us back to Music Master where he calculated the cost of everything- Including the case, cables, strap, amp and a new set of strings.

RM1200. Not bad.

The sad part is that I can only get it like next week ):

But oh well. At least I got my acoustic back so I can practice anyway.

Thanks Joshua lol.

tick tick tock.

2010-09-05T22:56:00.002+08:00

Going to you with a heavy burden and a broken heart.

Can't wait to go Bass guitar shopping though.

Futsal too.

Forgive me my trangressions.

2010-09-04T22:14:00.000+08:00

Oh boy.

What a way to opening me up to this.

Thank you.

Humbled.

2010-09-04T16:23:00.000+08:00

Fuhh...

Sorry.

Thanks for letting me know.

Weak as a rat.

2010-09-03T23:00:00.002+08:00

You might argue that being emo is pointless. But when you're in my own position, you'll realize why I chose this path.

It's funny how some people can be so happy up at cloud nine while their friends are suffering down on earth. It's funny how your supposed 'best friends' start breaking their promises after certain events in their life took place. No, not sad events.

I've got two weeks to settle this. At the end of the holidays, I will either emerge a stronger person...or as a fallen one.

And when I use the word 'this', I take it in context of EVERYTHING.

Every single thing that is bothering me.

I finally realized a certain someones position when a certain something happened.
The most epicly STUPID AND ANNOYING part is when they act like they care while behind your backs they're not really concerned about anything because they enjoy life. They don't bother thinking, they don't bother feeling. It's all about a life that's getting what you want.

The sad part is also that it is not my nature to do everything to guarantee my own satisfaction and watch others fall like this...

I promise you though, I might be able to settle it within my mind during the holidays, but I will be forever scarred by this. It took me a year and a harsh fight to forgive THAT event. But for something like this, it's gonna follow me for years.

One might argue that I haven't even experienced a breakup. I'm sorry but I think that your argument does not stand unless you can demonstrate that a breakup is more emotionally scarring then being beaten up inside like this for more than a year..

Of course I'm not saying that I'm experiencing the worse. Just, worse among the best.

Yes, the sadness is starting to turn into bitterness and anger. Thoughts and nightmares waking me up in the middle of the night, preventing me from my slumber.

But Le On's testimony today striked me; I've prayed for the strength to face this. I've prayed for wisdom to answer the questions and separate truth from lie. I've prayed for the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change...

Have I been expecting God to just give me strength, to just give me wisdom and serenity just like that?

Or is God giving me the CHANCE to be strong, and stand against all the nonsense my friends put up, against myself, against my own pride, against evil and injustice;The chance to be wise to understand things to understand certain things, to perform certain actions that go against my emotions; The chance to be at peace with myself with things that isn't in my control, the chance to be still and know that he is God while all the crap is happening to me ?

Or have I already failed?

I'm not a philosopher, I'm not good enough yet. Though I might be a little more philosophical than the lot of you due to my obsession with these sort of things..

I'm not a scientist, I'm struggling to even pass my Chemistry.

I'm not a Theologian, I'm rather sloppy at doctrines.

I'm not a counselor, because I am not even at peace with myself.

I'm a mere child. A mere student.
A 16 year old male who happens to think alot and who happens to be the most deformed of his lot as his observations has shown him. Who has tried so hard to please people and ended up displeasing his self.

On a less emo note, I started my first "bass" lessons today.

Joshua was kind enough to teach me longer than 30 minutes and talked alot about some complicated music theory stuff that I would need my acoustic guitar back to understand.

He's actually a really nice guy...

Btw, stop asking me if I'm alright or not, when you're the reason why I'm down.

When you cared less than you did before.

I'll leave you to your joy.

Unconsciously leaving someone for someone else. You hate that don't you?
The irony.

Why

2010-09-02T21:58:00.002+08:00

Dang it. I hate debating about morality with people who don't understand what relativism is.

Most of them that I know personally are definitely objectivists. They complain about something being unfair, something being wrong. And then they turn the other cheek and say that nothing is really "right or wrong".

The annoying part is that you can only do a reductio ad absurdum (Don't know if I spelt that right)(It means reducing your opponents arguments to absurdities) argument against relativists.

Anyway, back to my disturbed emotions. They're still disturbed and well...shaken.

Strange part is that I saw this coming at least 3 months ago. I see something even more disturbing coming up.

Dang it. Why do people have to be so predictable?

I'm getting the hang of this 'breaking down' thing. All you do is stuff your face into a pillow and start crying/screaming. Eventually you'll feel the frustration go away. Of course once the sad thoughts arise you'll still be sad. But it definitely helps.

Definitely still broken inside.

Maybe I should let people know about whats really going on inside...

Emo dinosaur.

2010-09-02T19:06:00.002+08:00

Nigel went emo for a whole year last year.

It's my turn now.

I feel like being angry at someone or something. But it's irrational and stupid. I will not do so because it is against my very own principles. My parents will definitely fall prey to my temper.

No I'm not angry at anyone. I want to be. But I can't.

All I've got to say is this ; Life sucks. It's unfair, it's full of hateful people. It's full of disappointments and sorrow.

I would like to say that I would love to kill myself/cut myself.

Problem is: We all know what type of person I am.

Right now all I can do is punch walls.

Parsh.

2010-09-02T15:41:00.003+08:00

Bah. I made a few mistakes in rugby again...

I'd better start studying or else I would see the end of me. The holidays will be a good time to start...

Yes I haven't even started yet.

Pn Lee displayed her competence as a REAL teacher by organizing an "extra class" 2 hours long on Monday even when it's a holiday because as a class teacher, she was supposed to give us some forms to fill, which gave her almost no time to finish off the last chapter of our syllabus.

After being tormented for awhile now... I'm starting to feel the numbness kick in. It isn't something very pleasant.

But I guess that's what I have to do to ease the pain; To just live a sucky life.

I can't say that I never saw this coming.

This would sound cheesy but yes, I do "see" things.
No I don't think I've received the gift of prophecy, since my "predictions" are based on gut feeling and the analysis of people and their personalities...

And what I've noticed is that people have this "inertia" (Not talking about Newton's law), they have free will but they don't want to change. They stick to their normal actions and reactions so much until after knowing them well enough, you'd be able to predict 80-90% of their future decisions, even their future crushes! Of course there is a huge room for that agent to cause a change within him/her.... That's the unpredictable side of things.

But then again it's not easy knowing someone this thoroughly...

But if you're observant enough....

Correction from my last post: I've got 3 books to read, one extra from our own Dr.Ron Choong. And 3 pages of E-mail to read during the December holidays.

Please remind me.

If I told you that there was indeed something that you could do for me, it would be redundant because if I told you then it wouldn't mean anything anymore.

Dear God,
Please, don't let me make any stupid decisions while I'm in such a horrible position right now.

Please, ease the pain. It burns.

I wish you were gone.

2010-09-01T22:23:00.002+08:00

Dang. I wish my parents were still back at Aussie.

They're still as annoying as ever.

Oh well, they're my parents. What to do...

I still haven't broken through those "chains" yet. And no, my grammar isn't recovering yet.

I'm still having issues with constructing full sentences without using any Manglish or broken English.

I sleep more now, but I'm still having issues with keeping alert during class. It annoys me that I only get tired during the important subjects. Talking about school, the end year exam timetable for the Form 4's just shows how uncaring and ignorant of the student life the school board is.

First of all, our end years are pulled so forward, and it's extended till one month long. It forces teachers to screw experiments and rush their syllabuses as fast as they can. Students will then have a hard time paying attention and tuition teachers can't help because they're job was never to go faster than the teachers, but to make sure what the school teacher has taught them is implanted in the students brain.

Secondly, the way the time table was made and extended was so that we had a one week long break in between the exams while the Form 3's are going to have their PMR. Problem is, they separated the subjects so that there will not be any subject that is fully completed in the first half of the end terms. For example, we pure science students will be having our Biology p1 on the first half, and p2 after the break. And it just so happens that EVERY subject is made this way so that we students won't have our burdens eased.

And our exams happen RIGHT AFTER the two week long Raya holidays, which of course is rather painful to us students because most of us won't have enough time to study. (Well excluding the bottom few art stream students, it really makes me jealous sometimes to see them partying all day long without worrying about anything at all...)

So dear school board, thanks alot for making our lives so much worse.

And oh wait, to those who say that we get to party longer after our end terms. We can't.

Teachers will still be conducting all the missed experiments and they'll be finishing up the chapters that have not been finished. For some odd reason, the syllabus leaves out one chapter for nearly every subject, almost as if they wanted us students to suffer this badly...

And oh yes, some of us do have lives, and we do have other things to worry about.

I'm planning some "studies" to cover some ground that I lost in the apologetics department while I was slacking all this while.

I have two pages of e-mails to read and two books.

It will be enlightening though.

Emotional problems?

What can I do? It seems that every time I pick myself back up something else hits me down.

I'm either in the process of getting stronger or dying.

..X3

2010-09-01T14:32:00.000+08:00

Omegosh my Mom, after "retiring", is getting really annoying.

-.-

Disappointed.

2010-08-31T19:33:00.002+08:00

This was oil added into the fire.

I hate this.

I HATE THIS.

You must be strong.

2010-08-31T13:06:00.002+08:00

Fuhh. TF2 party at INC today with the Church members.

It released some stress alright...

The dark side.

2010-08-31T09:02:00.002+08:00

I know why Star Wars suddenly came back into my life....

And it wasn't just because of the drama.

I'm starting to hear voices in my head all over again. To make matters worse, I haven't been sleeping well of late because I tend to wake up with a bad dream still haunting me.

Nightmares...

They taunt me one by one like vultures circling a carcass...

My defenses are weak, although I have answers to my questions, I do not have the strength to stand against something like this... Not for now at least.

It's time I be still....

One last Hurrah....

Will I fall?

F bomb.

2010-08-31T00:41:00.002+08:00

I promised Christine that I would control my tongue.

but I guess I can't.

UGGH WHAT THE ____________!

When the coke runs out...

2010-08-30T23:35:00.001+08:00

Argghhh...

I should swallow the fact that life isn't fair.

I should also swallow the fact that my health is being affected by this again...

I should also swallow the fact that if I don't get over it soon enough I'll die both spiritually, emotionally and physically.

The philosophers mind.

2010-08-30T13:24:00.002+08:00

Today was tiring...

Weng Soon came and visit us one last time before leaving for the airport.

Though his flight is at 10 30 PM Malaysian time...

We'll miss you Wenggg ):

My soul is basically....sundered. Right now I'm just over thinking every single aspect of every single thing. Worse part is that I don't even have the resources to do that much thinking....

During assembly, I felt so tired and worn out that I just wanted to faint.

It's as if I've lost my will to live.

atemporal.

2010-08-29T21:43:00.002+08:00

BOOM bada boom.

So weak....

I promised you that I'd be fine eventually.

I didn't say that I would be immediately.

Ugh

2010-08-29T15:46:00.001+08:00

Dang it.

I feel as if one part of my soul has been sundered away.

I feel like shooting something.

Unworthy.

2010-08-29T10:31:00.002+08:00

Dying...

Everyone's just gonna stand there and watch me burn.

Welcome to life.
Welcome to existence.

Masa dah sampai.

2010-08-28T23:23:00.002+08:00

So sports today was more or less a screw up.

Dang I blundered 5 times or more as the catcher.

And and, I received some hostility from a certain SOMEBODY.

As much as I would like to argue, I'd drop it.
Not worth it.

and well you know....

I'm still quite distressed.

I've got so many things that I promised myself to read yet I haven't.
It's killing me inside.

Words from Alvin Plantinga, C.S.Lewis, Robert Kane and of course Harvey... to fill my brain with something useful.

But I can only focus my thoughts on one subject at a time.

And now my everything is focused on that one emotional distress.

Worse of all. Unlike the most of you.

While I might be more or less a thinking person, my emotions are weak.

I am easily overcome and intimidated.

Emo

2010-08-28T15:48:00.002+08:00

Regardless of how much I try to be a happier person, the past and the present won't give me a break.

The future haunts me too.

I guess the people around me know who I really am now : A cowardly shrewd.

I think so much(Though usually I'm 90% right about these stuff), and get myself so intimidated in the end.

After that, I get too scared to make any changes in my life. I become too afraid to control my circumstances and let the circumstances control me.

But anyhow, maybe a little sports will cheer me up.

Hopefully the release of some endorphines will get me on the right mindset...

Stand and deliver.

2010-08-28T11:29:00.002+08:00

Blow after blow I receive...

Wounds and scars tell the tale of a horrendous battle...

You promised me that as long as you're on my side, who can be against me?

And you kept to it.

You never left me, you never forsook me.

All you did was train me.

But I beg you. The pain is getting unbearable. Arrows coming at me from every direction....

Thou my inheritance.

2010-08-27T08:44:00.002+08:00

Rise.

You'll be in my heart.

2010-08-27T01:17:00.003+08:00

I did it.

At the cost of my sanity.

As long as you are happy.

You're the only one that can save me now.

Chains will be broken.
Lives will be healed.

Just not now.

Lest I fall.

2010-08-26T15:43:00.002+08:00

When you fall, you pick yourself back up.

When you get hit by a car, you get someone to pull you up.

Episode 2.

2010-08-25T23:41:00.002+08:00

The best attack on the Problem of Evil is the "epistemic" one.

The one that goes something like "We are not in a position to know whether or not God has morally sufficient reasons to allow pain and suffering to happen"

The other one is that our purpose in life is not to be God's pet and etc.

To me, they are really logical answers to our age old question "If a loving God exists, why is there still so much pain and suffering in this world?"

There's a huge flaw in both the attacks on Problem of Evil if you asked me.

The problem is that they're both not emotionally satisfying.

Take my current circumstance for example ; I've been liking this person for a year plus now. And for four FREAKING times, she falls for my best friends, but not me. She doesn't think about how I feel and she doesn't understand how some of the things she says are so incoherent.

I myself know that a relationship now would might as well just harm me and this is more or less a petty "teen" issue. But when you add that with the fact that I've been facing low self esteem throughout my life...

I really feel like telling God :"Why are you rubbing salt in my wounds? Why are you making life sooo hard for me and so easy for others?"

This is one of the other things that C.S.Lewis says about faith.

Our feelings change. And our feelings might affect our reason.

I'd better erase her from my mind lest I fall.

Cheer's for a better tomorrow.

2010-08-25T21:49:00.004+08:00

This would be my 1000th post on this blog.

This was the place where I expressed my emotions, thoughts and random crap over the years. And now it reached 1000.

I might be hurt a thousand times.
I might have a thousand unanswered questions (more or less an exaggeration).
I might be broken over and over again.

But here's to promising God that I will forever remain in his presence until I die.

For it wasn't just by reason that I found him, but he found me first.

Oh and btw,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTINE CHEAH XIN HUI!

Thanks for being understanding!

In order for circumstances to change. Changes have to be made.

I will do all I can to do this.

My bestfriend's girl.
This sucks.

Your mercy reigns

2010-08-25T15:40:00.001+08:00

Let it go.

When the clock strikes midnight,

She's gone.

Take it all. Take it all.

I only need you. You and you only.

YOU

2010-08-24T18:02:00.002+08:00

I would go to the extent to say that YOU were the cause of all this conflict and chaos.

Fights going on here and there...

Oh gosh how am I gonna be able to talk to these people about it?

Meow.

2010-08-23T23:03:00.002+08:00

I hate that I can only talk about my current state of mind in my private blog.

This is sooo annoying.

Sometimes you just want people to know how unfair your life is and how much shit happens in your life.

But then you start thinking about the millions of people out there whom has shit happened to them and they lived their life full of joy.

As the saying goes : From pain, providence comes.

Lord why?

Running to the one who heals the blind.

2010-08-23T12:48:00.002+08:00

Humility, ep1.

You were made to hurt me.

To hurt me so that I would be able to learn from it and be a better and stronger person to accomplish my mission/purpose (Whatever it is).

I wish you well my friend.

So today in school, 4Cempaka went back up to our own original classroom. And the most of us really missed the view there.

Right the only problem now is that I'm sitting behind Eu Liang, and chances are is that he will take my place if I don't come early. If he does that, man I'm so gonna let out a barrage of words on him...

English drama is coming up, and I'm so unprepared...

I'm gonna miss the Form 5's.... ):

Well I just got haunted by something called "CF Politics"

No it isn't as serious as what you'll find in LEO or Interact. It's just one troublemaker causing havoc and tears.

I know that it's because someone like her was raised in a way, and yes our decisions are shaped by the way we were raised, but we aren't slaves to it.

My bestfriend's girlfriend/boyfriend

2010-08-22T23:33:00.002+08:00

Weng Soon's party was a blast.

4Cempaka is awesome.

You know, I always never felt comfortable with talking to friends who are more or less "together", so I guess I won't be seeing the both of you alot anymore.

Intelligent.

2010-08-21T21:23:00.004+08:00

Today, I hesitated on whether or not I should go to Cell.

I did anyway because I had to pass my guitar to Ben Teo. (Strangely enough, while walking to Church with my guitar on my back, I had a feeling that I had to play for children ministry tomorrow. Turns out that tomorrow IS my duty day.. GG)

Then they played this really noisy game that emphasized on how we need to be in the silence to listen.

So a quote that struck me was this : To hear someone speak, you must first stop talking and then listen.

It makes alot of sense ...

I was emo partly because of severe sleep deprivation (In my case only of course). Also because of something else.

But it all went away real quick.

Thank you dear God.

Although I can say that I'm quite disappointed that I had to try so hard to do so many things(Changing a particular stubborn mindset and saying and accepting a few things was particularly challenging), and all she said was a simple "okay".

Okay so maybe some people just don't give a crap about what you do for them because they're already so used to being treated like a "Pwincess" (No I am not referring to Huey Wern in any sense).

While it is quite envious to be treated like royalty, still, it's funny that how some of the people who suffer and go through misery in life get the most out of life...

But I guess what it means to be human isn't just how we were raised or what, but how we learn of our mistakes and CHOOSE to correct them. I guess that's free will.

That's why I think I am so confused right now about who I really am interested in...

Because there's this girl who really is one of the most understanding and yet caring girl that I've met. Almost like a sister that I've never had....

:P

Oh no

Being wise is being intelligent knowing that your job is to reconcile things and make sense out of certain things that you or people do. Being understanding and etc.

Being wise does not equate to putting people down with your pride thinking that everything that doesn't make sense to you doesn't make sense to anyone else.

Oh precious is the flow...

2010-08-21T16:38:00.003+08:00

After staying up until 5 30 A.M. and realizing how alert Chee Seng is even if he only slept for 3 hours...

I am exhausted.

At this point, I am feeling really lethargic and I think I might just explode really easily.

And yes, a few things happened yesterday and today that I think are worthy of making me go emo again.

But thankfully, a little advise from a friend was enough to calm me down for my new mindset.

Change begins with me. If I want to tell people that they're doing something "wrong", I'll have to start by showing them what "right" is. Hypocrisy is my biggest enemy.

And yet deep inside, the desire remains.

To hear someone speak, you must first stop talking and start listening.

Always there.

2010-08-20T19:48:00.002+08:00

Today was okay.

Nigel and Felix are still at my house.

I'm actually quite tired...

Well a few things that were worth being sad about emerged. But heck, I'm going to be a different person this time. I won't give in to my emotions.

Woah oh.

2010-08-19T17:38:00.000+08:00

Nyek nyek nyek nyek.

I should go take my power nap.

Still rather hyped up.

All that you are.

2010-08-19T16:30:00.002+08:00

Time to stand.

I'd better work on my stamina if I'm going to play more rugby/football.

Tomorrow is CF's Step up Step down day.

I hope things will turn out well.