A falling down .

Today would most likely my last day blogging until my PMR .

I know that I've said it like a million of times . But my father was really determined to rampas the modem today .


I got into a big fight with my FAMILY today . Knives , chairs and "You got balls come out" were involved . Me and my sister practically woke the whole neighborhood up if they were having their afternoon nap .

I've always wondered why people always come online WHEN I'm barred from the computer .

This morning I woke up depressed for no reason . Then in my most emotionally vulnerable point , my sister comes and shoot me . For every word she threw at me from all the way downstairs , I counted to 10 . Trust me , it doesn't work , at least for me it doesn't . When I couldn't take it anymore , I just ran downstairs at her and yelled at her face , her being herself who has this mentality of me being a 5 year-old child who can't do nuts challenged me and....BOOM .

I don't have it in me to blog about it , but what I can say is...Get a life sis . You've always been looking down on me , telling me that I'm such a worthless and useless nut . You started my self-esteem issues . You've always manipulated dad & mom to think that I was always in the wrong . You've always thought of life to be a fairytale , and when things didn't go your way . You rant and rant and rant and rant , comparing yourself with your oh-so-fortunate friends .

This is what happens when parents decide to spoil one child more than the other . Sheesh.

I feel so lost right now . That void has just gotten alot BIGGER .

I just came to a point where nothing seems to work in cheering me up . Dota ? It's the very thing that caused me to be all angry and vulgar again , and yet it's the only thing that is addictive enough to stop me from thinking of a certain someone . Blogging ? I've lost my inspiration and concentration to write about anything constructively . Thinking about that certain someone ? That would make me feel like an even bigger idiot .

I didn't touch ANY of my books today , more disappointment from me .

I know that there's only one thing in this world that can give me that everlasting satisfaction . But the confusion that's in me right now...

So here I am , making my last post till my exams are over .

Maybe I should have went back to my aspirations to becoming a hermit .
Honestly , I SUCK at encouraging people , I can't even encourage my self , what to say about LOVING myself .

Maybe I need someone to talk to . No , that won't do . I should start getting used to the hurts of the world , I was never meant to smile . Or was I ?

You know who you are . . . If you're reading this , then you should know that you're the only one whom I wished that I was talking to right now . *Lemme give you a hint , yes it's you , the person who's smile can turn me around *

Some of you might be asking , what ever happened to your 'God' or 'Savior' ? I know he's there , but there's something inside of me that's making me doubt all over again . Maybe I need Zhe Xian's intellect to go through this again , no , there are no questions now . . . Just empty feelings .
I can read my bible all day , I can even mutter words with my eyes closed and hands together , but I won't achieve anything until I really SEEK him .

I really hope that I can achieve this attitude
:
When I say that "I'm a Christian " , I'm not saying that "I'm living clean" , but I'm saying that I've made a mess and I need him to clean it up .

When I say that "I'm a Christian" , I'm not trying to be strong , but I'm professing that I'm weak and that I need his strength to continue .

When I say that "I'm a Christian" , I'm not saying that I don't fall , I'm saying that I fall and get up , and I need him to wipe me clean as he takes my hand .

Hmm , I sure hope that you're okay . bye :)


oh well , it seems that they were really serious when they wanted to confiscate the modem . So right now , I think , it's my uber last post . Unless I manage to find out where they're going to hide the modem next .


Writing in colors is fun !

I would say ILY to you . But I know I can't , because the truth is that I don't . This is but a mere infatuation , though I look forward in getting to know YOU more . Even though I know that you wouldn't feel the same way towards me....PURPLE ! Awesome . Okay , anyway . Here's my apologies to all whom I had offended .



Another thing that I've just realized is of my ungratefulness . I just remembered that I prayed for a "Barnabas" and someone to look up to during the second night of Cbc's youth camp . And look at how he answered it . Amazing how we can miss out on stuff like this huh ?


Now it's RED ! Roar ! Multi-colored fun ! And here's wishing a GOOD LUCK to all my fellow Form 3-ians in their upcoming PMR examinations .

Not to mention a happy birthday to everyone who's birthdays are in between now and PMR .

TaTa for now . You can leave some messages in my Cbox , hopefully I'll find ways to read it one way or another...

(Psst. There's an advantage of using a touch screen phone that supports 3G . Yes , I can browse the web with it )


BYE PEOPLE ! See you soon ! :)