Hiding place .

So two of my closest friends are really pissed at me right now because someone told them her problems , however , she naively told them HALF of it , which probably made them fikir serong .

After hanging out in the RF forums with a bunch of intellectually honest people , I guess my brain is at war with my heart . As much as I would like to be really furious at her . I cannot . She's naive (I should be the one keeping that in mind the most) , and to be honest with myself , she would never dream of damaging me (Although , she ends up unknowingly doing that anyway...) .


So , sorry about yesterday and all the FB posts .

I know , I know .

But what I said about suicide is true , I never really thought of suicide as THAT irrational after talking and watching the naturalists debate the theists .

In fact , I think about it (not that I want to) quite alot...

But what is the solution to this ?
Either way I go , whether to just suck it up and apologize , put on more masks , or just ignore and hate her ....

These two paths would eventually lead to more scars .


Is there not a third path for me to choose ?


Actually this "epiphany" of mine came when Pn C LN scolded Emma and Weng Soon with the classic "And you call yourself a Christian" rhetoric (just for talking in class and not doing the experiment) , and it ticked me off alot since she's the oh so racist teacher that likes to pick on Indians and she EPIC FAILS at teaching Bio .

That rhetoric never works if it comes out from a Christians mouth itself since that would be a great misunderstanding of your own religion . (Frankly , while we were called to do good , we weren't called to be perfect . Also , Jesus emphasized much about humility . He zha-ed the Pharisees and chief priests , but he treated the prostitutes , beggars , sinners like his own brothers)

So I thought about it and it hit me ....

What would HE want from me ?


Would he want me to choose to be bitter and angry and sad about things that I cannot change , or will he want me to forgive all the times when I get "accidentally" hurt by that somebody (Interesting thought , I do that to her too , and she's been really forgiving) , and have the courage to know that there are some things that I cannot change and be thankful with what I already have ?


See the thing is , when you think things through , you always know the most rational thing to do , but the problem however , is with your stubborn heart .


Maybe I've been exposed to too many sermons and apologetic debates , that even though I very well know what to do (I don't claim to be an expert yet) , and yet I don't do it because I've been so "tidak apa" and stubborn all my life when it comes to changing...




Now the problem is....Can I really change myself and turn everything back to normal ?


I've fought with her at least like 5 times this whole month or last month by itself already , dang it , I'm being so PMS-ish .