Despicable.

Papoi.


I'm not okay up there now for a few reasons, so if I do happen to piss you off or agitate anyone. I'm sorry.





I'm being more and more 'worldly' these days...trying to be someone I'm not especially.

I don't want to be like the rest of them, especially when it comes down to these sort of things.


Whatever happened to my standards?




I especially hate it that this allowed me to get hurt so easily by people who had no intentions of doing anything at all.




Emotionally, I'm being distracted. Any little thing that happens will cause me to go through a mass thinking process which would end up in strange conclusions. The problem with this is that some people aren't that complicated till the point where we have to anticipate their actions as if it were a chess game or something. It's as if everyone is my enemy in a debate and all I do is think about their motives.

I'm not doing well in my studies, falling asleep in classes...Even my dreams are affected. Why ? Because I'm too easily distracted.

Also, I'm starting to accept myself for who I am not. I am not the kind of guy where everyone likes to be around with. I don't believe in being someone else just to get the attention of a certain someone because it's not worth it. I was meant to live my life as someone different. Weird, I know. But I was created this way, sure I can change myself to be like everyone else....but in the end, what really matters in life? Is it a mere girl? Of course not.

My time with God himself is being affected, with all the doubts going around. and all the answers coming in... It's not getting easier as I'm requiring more and more explanations to understand things now... After that two weeks, I felt so far away from him....

My heart felt that he wasn't there for me during those two weeks, my brain told me that he was.


Socially, I'm being more and more critical than before because I don't even bother thinking what I'm saying and who I'm saying it to. Although it sounds funny and some people just deserve it...

I just stopped trying to be a nice person anymore. 75% of the problems are over but why am I still so lost and desolated? Because...


I need to learn how to let go.

Because life is waiting for the ones who lose control (not in the bad sense)



Come to think of it.... I do see another flaw now that I don't think anyone else noticed in her...