It's time.

No many how much hatred I fill my heart with, it's not enough.


A man does not know darkness unless he has seen the light. For darkness is the absence of light.

The reason why I see so much "darkness" in my life, is because I've seen the light shine within me before.

I was never perfect. But not like this.

Look at me now. Prideful, lonely and wretched.

It's so hard to force hatred upon yourself and on the other hand try to be a good follower.

At a certain point of your spiritual walk, you'll know that you just can't believe and yet not change your lifestyle...

So this is it. I either continue pumping all this hate and anger in my life and give up everything I stood for...

Or I go through more humiliation, pain and torment for the "greater good".

The choice is mine.

I know all of you will go "AHA! There he goes again, realizing what a douche he is and being a weakling and apologize."

It's the same cycle over and over again. Regardless of what happens. I just cannot seem to be at peace with myself.

Also, I haven't made any decisions yet, so don't be too quick in your words.

Call me retarded or whatever, I don't care.

When it boils down to the central core of my life, I will not bother about any comments.



But do I really want to go through all that again?


I've quit CF and morning prayers for now.
And we know that I'm not in good terms with one or more of the "leaders" there.

Some because of what I did and some because they just don't like me.

But I've learned enough to know that quitting CF just because of certain people there won't help. But quitting because I know that it would be redundant to go there...Is a different story.




But the more important question is this :

I've been searching for two years, I've been trying so hard. Am I about to let everything go just because I want to feed this hatred and this anger?

Because for a month now, I've discovered that it's not just your intelligence at play when you doubt, your emotions...

Pride. A prideful man will be always looking down on things and people and will have no time to look up. Therefore he will not see a higher being- God.

Am I giving in to the pride?

But of course I'm not conceding just yet. As long as she doesn't do anything about this, I won't too.



I was never one who was able to control my emotions. Let me warn you, it takes over me too fast. Especially when it boils down to trying to hate someone you used to cherish.


I can tell you one thing for sure though, there are two sides of me right now.

One side wanting to reconcile everything and give in, regardless of the shame and embarrassment I'd receive...

Another side wanting vengeance, revenge, and affirmation.


You tell me now, So how?




Come now, and let us reason.