Weak as a rat.

You might argue that being emo is pointless. But when you're in my own position, you'll realize why I chose this path.


It's funny how some people can be so happy up at cloud nine while their friends are suffering down on earth. It's funny how your supposed 'best friends' start breaking their promises after certain events in their life took place. No, not sad events.


I've got two weeks to settle this. At the end of the holidays, I will either emerge a stronger person...or as a fallen one.

And when I use the word 'this', I take it in context of EVERYTHING.

Every single thing that is bothering me.



I finally realized a certain someones position when a certain something happened.
The most epicly STUPID AND ANNOYING part is when they act like they care while behind your backs they're not really concerned about anything because they enjoy life. They don't bother thinking, they don't bother feeling. It's all about a life that's getting what you want.

The sad part is also that it is not my nature to do everything to guarantee my own satisfaction and watch others fall like this...



I promise you though, I might be able to settle it within my mind during the holidays, but I will be forever scarred by this. It took me a year and a harsh fight to forgive THAT event. But for something like this, it's gonna follow me for years.


One might argue that I haven't even experienced a breakup. I'm sorry but I think that your argument does not stand unless you can demonstrate that a breakup is more emotionally scarring then being beaten up inside like this for more than a year..

Of course I'm not saying that I'm experiencing the worse. Just, worse among the best.

Yes, the sadness is starting to turn into bitterness and anger. Thoughts and nightmares waking me up in the middle of the night, preventing me from my slumber.



But Le On's testimony today striked me; I've prayed for the strength to face this. I've prayed for wisdom to answer the questions and separate truth from lie. I've prayed for the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change...


Have I been expecting God to just give me strength, to just give me wisdom and serenity just like that?


Or is God giving me the CHANCE to be strong, and stand against all the nonsense my friends put up, against myself, against my own pride, against evil and injustice;The chance to be wise to understand things to understand certain things, to perform certain actions that go against my emotions; The chance to be at peace with myself with things that isn't in my control, the chance to be still and know that he is God while all the crap is happening to me ?


Or have I already failed?



I'm not a philosopher, I'm not good enough yet. Though I might be a little more philosophical than the lot of you due to my obsession with these sort of things..

I'm not a scientist, I'm struggling to even pass my Chemistry.

I'm not a Theologian, I'm rather sloppy at doctrines.

I'm not a counselor, because I am not even at peace with myself.

I'm a mere child. A mere student.
A 16 year old male who happens to think alot and who happens to be the most deformed of his lot as his observations has shown him. Who has tried so hard to please people and ended up displeasing his self.




On a less emo note, I started my first "bass" lessons today.

Joshua was kind enough to teach me longer than 30 minutes and talked alot about some complicated music theory stuff that I would need my acoustic guitar back to understand.

He's actually a really nice guy...






Btw, stop asking me if I'm alright or not, when you're the reason why I'm down.


When you cared less than you did before.



I'll leave you to your joy.


Unconsciously leaving someone for someone else. You hate that don't you?
The irony.